Depression Traps you, takes hold of you and sucks the life out of you. I cannot imagine anyone would ever want to be affected by depression, but sadly it’s indiscriminating. You don’t get to choose whether or not to be controlled by depression, it decides if it will rule you.
Obviously you can be pro-active, you can enroll in various forms of therapy, you can take medications to help control the levels of the chemicals in your brain, yet no matter how badly you want or need to overcome depression, it is not the kind of thing that you can fully control. You can do your best to manage it, but if you suffer from depression it’s doubtful you will ever fully control it.
You cannot heal an infection through thought alone so why do people think you can overcome depression by thinking positively. It’s like telling someone with clouded vision they can see properly if they focussed correctly. Positive thought can help to overcome depression, but when you are stuck in the deepest hole of emotions where everything positive is crushed, it’s kind of next to impossible.
I’m talking from my own experiences, and they may vary greatly from that of another person with depression.
What pisses me off is when people that don’t know what it feels like to suffer from depression tell me to just get over it, If you just went and did x,y & z you wouldn’t be depressed. Even worse is when someone tries to motivate me to do something by putting me down – a tactic X seems to believe in.
He wanted me to get up, get dressed, have a shower, go shopping, come back and cook him dinner. Instead of nicely asking, he got abusive, at one point telling me how unwanted I am, how I really should do my kid a favor & kill myself, as well as lecturing me on my absolute selfishness and that I don’t deserve to be respected. I had pointed out that a) I had no money & b) because I had no money I couldn’t pay the $450 fine (which was for driving with the rear number plate missing, in a car that he drove daily, a number plate he failed to put back on the car when it fell off, a car that he forced me to drive because he took mine knowing that I had to take our son to see his parents that night! – yes Im responsible for driving the car that day, but I do strongly believe he has partial responsibility for the fine!) that had caused my licence to get cancelled. Fuck he pissed me off. He’s fucking broken me. He now owns me, until I can find out a way to boost my income by 500% to be able to cover my share of the rent, he fucking owns me & he knows it. I swear it must get him hard.
If I didn’t already have depression, the situation alone would make me want to cut my wrists.
Needless to say after the degrading barrage of abuse I did exactly as he asked. I took him card and bought food, rebelling by basically stealing money from him so I could survive for the week, Fuck I want to scream.
I used to run away to -B’s place whenever X got to me. I miss being able to go hang out with him. Which only depresses me more.
I feel trapped, physically & emotionally, by both the current events in my life as well as by the depression that has dogged me for the past 18 years. I want out, I want out so badly, but it’s so dark I can’t see to find my way out.
I’m not big enough for anyone to start writing blog posts to attack me, but to the fuckwit doing all the victim bashing within this blogging genre – fuck you… walk a day in her shoes, or mine… and see how quickly you are crippled.
Sorry for the unintelligent rambling rant, I’m angry, in pain, can’t stop crying and can’t see my way out right now.
P.S. I refuse to link to the bitch that’s been ranting and commenting without invitation regarding the life & experiences of Britni – but shes the chick behind viewfromthefloor